Alcoholism and Verbal Abuse: How Are They Connected?

You know your partner is a good person; that’s why you fell in love in the first place. But lately, their heavy drinking is making them chaotic. They’ve been saying hurtful things and degrading you. You try to confront them but are met with denial of your feelings, making you wonder if you are the reason for this pain, not them.

Alcohol and abuse have long been tied together. Research showed that if there was increased access to alcohol in a neighborhood, domestic violence rates were higher. But why does this happen?

Healthy U is well-versed in alcohol use disorders and how they can change your loved one into someone you no longer recognize. Let’s talk about the connection between alcoholism and verbal abuse and how to get help for yourself and your partner.

What Is Verbal Abuse? Understanding Its Impact

Verbal abuse is a type of mistreatment involving words, both written and spoken. The act creates emotional, social, and psychological harm to the person being abused. The impact of verbal abuse can last for years, even after it has ended, leaving open wounds invisible to the naked eye.

There are different forms of verbal abuse, including:

• Criticism and judgment
• Humiliation
• Gaslighting or manipulating
• Guilt-tripping
• Mocking
• Condescending
• Harassing or threatening

How Alcoholism Fuels Verbal Abuse: The Hidden Connection

Alcohol use disorder significantly contributes to verbal abuse, creating an environment where aggressive and harmful behavior becomes normalized. When a person drinks alcohol, their inhibitions become lower, and their ability to regulate emotions wavers. The result is seen in outbursts of anger, unfiltered criticism, and derogatory remarks spouted at their loved ones. This happens because alcohol causes social cues to be missed.

For example, someone accidentally bumping into you and spilling your drink can be seen as a sign to fight rather than a simple accident. Alcohol inhibited a rational response, leading to an angry one instead.

Alcohol can also amplify underlying personality traits, such as jealousy, insecurity, or resentment, causing individuals to lash out verbally. In many cases, the person’s frustrations stem from unresolved past experiences and become magnified by alcohol. This leads to turning to their partner, children, or friends as targets for aggression.

The Tie Between Alcoholism and the Repetition of Abuse

As we mentioned above, alcohol use brings out unresolved feelings from the past. Even if the current people in their lives were not a cause of past trauma, alcohol makes them turn on these people in the moment. However, feelings of guilt and shame for what happened can drive the cycle of continuing to drink, resulting in a repetition of verbal abuse. The tie between continued drinking and the repetition of verbal abuse creates a cycle that is detrimental to all parties involved.

Alcohol use also alters personality traits, leading to aggressive or out-of-character behaviors that the person drinking wouldn’t normally experience. Let’s take a look at this further.

How Alcohol Alters Personality and Fuels Aggression

Alcohol use and related aggression have been linked to both acute consumption as well as chronic alcohol use and dependence. This is because alcohol affects the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for impulse control and rational thinking. When this part of the brain is impaired, the person is more likely to act on aggressive impulses and less likely to consider the consequences of their actions.

Alcohol also increases emotional responses, making the person more prone to anger and frustration. When the person engages in binge drinking, it can lead to a blackout, where they cannot remember their actions while intoxicated. This creates a dangerous dynamic where the person denies responsibility for their words and actions, further creating negative feelings and losing trust in their loved ones.

Alcohol use disorder can lead to changes in personality, such as increased irritability, paranoia, and depression. These changes often lead to further abusive behaviors, which make them more solidified. Even if the person feels they are being harsh or irrational, the abuse carries on out of continued alcohol consumption.

Living with an Alcoholic Spouse: Verbal Abuse and Psychological Games

Living with an alcoholic spouse is often physically, mentally, and emotionally draining, especially if they are verbally abusive. We mentioned different forms of verbal abuse above, but certain types create psychological “games” that have you doubting if you are being abused at all. Here are some examples:

• Gaslighting: The main characteristics of gaslighting are denying and manipulating. An example is telling your partner their drinking bothers you. They may shift blame by saying you drink too much or that you cause them to drink. Another response is minimizing your feelings, in this case, responding that you are overreacting or acting emotionally. Finally, they may deny it altogether, stating they do not even drink, let alone that much.
• Blame-shifting: This is similar to gaslighting but a specific behavior. Blame-shifting goes beyond just compensating for their drinking—they will place blame in all aspects of life to continue with their behaviors. This also is a tactic to reduce your self-confidence, which increases your need for them.
• Isolation: Your partner may try to limit your contact with any family and friends. This helps them keep their image as a “perfect partner” despite what is happening behind closed doors. Isolation also increases your dependence on them, giving them further control.

Finding Hope: How to Seek Help for Verbal Abuse Victims

Recognizing you are being verbally abused can invoke feelings of fear and worry, but there are ways to seek help and find solace. Here are some options to keep in mind and implement where possible:

1. Keep records: Take note of specific instances where your partner has been verbally abusive. Record if there had been alcohol involved and the type of abuse experienced. Details are a specific way to counteract gaslighting and prove your knowledge. However, if you do not feel safe, keep these records in a safe space to be utilized when necessary.
2. Attend support groups: Seeking support can help you find people who understand your situation. They can help with advice and resources as well as offer outlets that support your goals. Having a safe space to vent also improves mental and emotional health.
3. Leave the relationship: If you feel unsafe and that the abuse is too much, make a plan to leave the relationship. Enlist help from a trusted friend or family member and remove yourself from the situation. Keep your records—they can be useful if any legal action comes about, such as needing a restraining order or custody.

It is important to note that if you are ever in a situation where you feel your safety is threatened, you should call for help immediately. Stay calm while waiting for help to arrive. Your safety and well-being are the number one priority.

Getting Help for Alcohol Use Disorder in San Diego, CA

Your partner is still a person, and it is possible to get the person you love back from alcohol use disorder. Alcoholism rehab will give them a safe space to express their feelings and dive into the root causes of their drinking. They will learn how their behaviors affect others and how they take a toll on their personal mental health. Through therapies and skill-building courses, they will have the tools needed to leave alcohol behind and become the partner you know and fell in love with.